I’m not really one to complain about sexually graphic stuff, as you may have gathered. And this isn’t a complaint, really, but I have to say I was suddenly struck the other day by how explicit some very mainstream magazines have become. Imagine, if you will, the following scenario:

I’m sitting on the couch, enjoying a nice little Sunday and flipping through Cosmo (yes, glossy women’s magazines are my dirty little secret), when I come to an article about pleasing your man in the sack (haha, no pun intended). These are “tricks” for when you want to get really raunchy.*

So, OK. For starters, you’ve got your typical “rub the taint,” and for the nine billionth time, “squeeze your PC muscles.” Fair enough. Well, about ten tips down, I read the following: “While your man is on all fours, lower yourself under him and gently tilt his penis toward you so you can suck from underneath.”

Suck from underneath?!?!!? The phrase sort of made me gag, blush, and perspire all at once. That is some dirty shit! Suddenly I saw, in my mind’s eye, images of Cosmo of the 1950’s, when the most risque thing they wrote was probably something about you calling him, and here we are talking about enveloping your man from underneath. I mean, where do you go from there? What is Cosmo going to cover 20 years from now, giving him a home prostate exam?

Folks, this is probably one of the highest-selling women’s magazines in the country, and it’s basically saying that what all us ladies can relate to, when it comes right down to it, is sucking balls.

*I’m sorry, but who has the time? It’s hard enough for me and my man to find 30 minutes when one of us isn’t too tired to even knock boots in the first place. But to take the time to prep, like, handcuffs on the bed, or melted wax or something? Sorry.