My stomach just hasn’t been right lately, peeps. Everything is out of whack. I deduced (by a careful study of my bowel movements and gas in relation to what I ate) that this Jew’s belly hates wheat. WHAT THE FUCK?! I was literally BORN to eat bagels. Why this injustice!!!!????? 

Ever since this discovery (a week ago or so), I have been a complete disast, asking myself all of the obvious questions: “Why me?!”, “Where do I go from here?!”, “Is life really worth it if I can’t have bagels?”. Also, I’ve been eating totally weird food. I used to enjoy a sang (translation: sandwich) pretty much every day for lunch, and cold cuts and cheese with no bread just isn’t the same (too bad I’ve had it three times this week). 

Also, I’m ashamed because I feel like people might think I’m on a low carb diet. OH MY FUCKING GOD I’D RATHER SHOOT MYSELF IN THE VAGINA. I love carbs. For the record, let me repeat myself… I FUCKING LOVE CARBS. Luckily I can still get my hands (and mouf) on some rice, rice noodles, potatoes and what have you. Thank my lucky carbs. 

Anyways, I have noticed a marked depletion in my gas, that’s one upside (or downside, depending on how much farts crack you up). I have some remarkable gas, folks, for those of you who don’t know me in the Jew-flesh. I can really blow one out. Not so much now that I’m off the wheat. However, I have noticed that a certain nut (pistachio nut, you perv) continues to give me gas. 

I found that out when I majorly farted at the office today (I thought it was going to be quiet, no dice). Guess what happened then?! My co-worker called me out! She straight up ran down the cube-hallway and said to our other co-worker, “Oooooo… she farted in your cube!”.

Oh. Heeeeeell. No.

You’re going down tomorrow. You know who you are. I’m gonna’ eat all kinds of wheat and tear some shit up in your cube when you’re not in there. Just you wait.  :)