L.A. is full of assholes like me: white folk with no day job, toting around Mac laptops from cafe to cafe and working on Very Important Shit. Mine, obviously, is this blog - which is way better than the guy’s blog who’s sitting next to me!

I’m at Solar de Cahuenga in Hollywood, in case you’re curious - a favorite among my type for it’s free wireless internet (like I said, no day job) and abundance of outlets. And I can’t help but notice that there are many unspoken rules here, which, if you don’t mind, I’ll post for your enjoyment. Here you go:

1. Etiquette dictates the following. If one white douchebag gets up to take a shit, the white douchebag closest to him or her MUST “watch” the shitter’s computer. I’m about to pull one of these right now, only to check on my car.

2. Everything in a coffee shop is done with a smile. Walking past someone’s table, accidentally kicking their power chord and unplugging their Mac (never a PC!!!!), reaching over someone to get the last packet of Splenda, even walking out of the damn bathroom. It’s all a small, apologetic-yet-not smile that says, “I’m here. You’re here. Let us occupy this space together, peacefully.”

3. Just as social interactions are done with a smile, business interactions are done with the utmost sincerity. The writing of a script, the…well, that’s pretty much it, actually. If it’s happening in a coffee shop, it is for real. This is happening right now to my 9:00, my 11:00, my 12:00, 4:00. No shit. I know because I’ve peeped all of their screens. Speaking of…

4. Peeping a screen, surprisingly, isn’t really a no-no, as far as I can tell. Isn’t that weird? I mean, for all the screens I’ve peeped today, I’ve gotten in return only the obligatory smile. No glares. No “quit peeping my screen.”

Anyway, I can’t lie - I love a coffee shop, douche-y etiquette aside. To their credit, at least this one I’m in right now has upped their street cred by not playing any indie or emo rock, but instead blasting hits from the ’80’s all day. Right now they’re playing Hot for Teacher. Awesome!

UPDATE: Now they’re playing Ice Ice Bab….No!! Wait!! It’s Under Pressure! OMG. I love this place.