Sometimes, a Jew does something crazy, like dying her naturally dirty blond (light brown, my balls) hair a lovely shade of platinum. And all is well and good, until said Jew realizes that this color means she has to wear bright red lipstick every single day.

Realizing that she has erred, she then has to go darker, wait a year, and then begin the painstaking process of reverting back to a nice, sensible honey-colored head.

So here I am, at the beginning of this process, and I’d like to share with you a small nugget of wisdom that I’ve learned on my journey thus far.

We’re in L.A., right? So we care a lot about our hair, right? But who in the near vicinity cares just a little bit more?

That’s right - the women of Orange County!! Recent studies have shown that they out-extension us by about 50%, out-bleach us by another 50%, and out-straighten by 25%.

Amazingly, given these statistics, they aren’t all Jews, but that doesn’t mean they don’t know what to do with a head of Jew-hair. And that’s what I found out when I drove down the 101 to the 5 to the 605 to the 405, parked it in a salon (please pronounce: sa-lon) chair, and allowed magic to be created atop my head. Now, my hair is a nice, warm, glorious honey (land of milk and honey, anyone??? Coincidence? I think not), and this is only the beginning.

Thank you, Orange County. I don’t even give a fuck that you’re trying to single-handedly outlaw abortion. I love you, and I always will.