It’s not often that I take the time to communicate with my Giant Ass. For one, I’m a busy Jew. And secondly, it’s just a tad crazy. Just a tad. 

Well, the other day I got an opportunity to stop. Just for a moment. And say, “Thank you. Thank you, Giant Ass”. 

It was late morning during the week of my glorious staycation (read: I wasn’t working, but I didn’t go anywhere. I highly recommend it). I had just enjoyed a big, iced soy latte and a cigarette with a dear friend at a coffee shop. Not thinking clearly (or listening to my Giant Ass), I hugged my friend goodbye and hopped in the car for the 5 minute ride home. And of course, just halfway up the block, it hit me. And oh, did it hit me. 

I really, really, REALLY needed to take a shit. 

Already in the car and up the block, along with being too shy to “double back” (read: go back into the coffee shop and take a shit after you’ve clearly finished your beverage and gone on your way), I accelerated just a little faster, turned up the Beyonce, and figured, “Fuck it. This Ass can wait”. 

Not two blocks later at a (fucking red) light, I was gripping the steering wheel, tapping my foot, and grinding my teeth. I turned off the Beyonce (too distracting, really needed to focus), and pumped up the air conditioning. I leaned onto one butt cheek and clenched my ass muscles while my inner monologue screamed,

HOLY FUCK I AM GOING TO SHIT MYSELF IN MY CAR!!!!!!! 

But just then, the light turned green, and this bitch took off like a bat out of hell. Fuck careful driving, fuck being polite, fuck not riding the ass of the granny in front of me. Good thing my hippie Prius has such incredible pick-up. 

Lurching into my garage I literally FLEW into the house. I took the stairs down to the bathroom two at a time (that was bold), and halfway down the stairs- SO CLOSE TO THE BATHROOM… I felt it. The turtle head. The little stinker was making an escape. The crap was coming out of my ass. Dear god, it was coming out!

I hit the toilet and let it all out with an audible sign of relief. OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. I MADE IT.

After thoroughly enjoying that moment of pure joy and utter relief, I thought, “Oh, shit. I must have stained my drawers. That caca came out clear out of my asshole, I know it. Oh, god, I have to check my underwear. Oh, no. Oh, god. Oh… okay… here I go…”. I looked down slowly… tentatively lifting them from around my ankle… turning my head slowly and peering down with one eye shut… “Oh the shame… did I stain them? Please tell me no…”.

NO??? Nothing??? Not even just a little??? My eyes flew open and I examined them more closely. 

I wasn’t seeing things. I hadn’t stained my drawers! How was that possible? And then it dawned on me. Guess what shielded my lovely panties from my crap? Guess what came between them??

That’s right. My Giant Ass (cheeks). That poo hadn’t stood a chance in the face of those two bulbous slabs of glory protecting my fabulous Jew drawers. And that’s when I said it. Right there, sitting on my toilet at 11am. I said it out loud.

“Thank you. Thank you very much, Giant Ass”.

And from here on out, I promise to honor you, cherish you and tell you how important you are to me. At least once in a while. Because you really saved the day. You really did.