Whenever I am plagued by the feeling that a situation passed me by in which I should have said something, I always think of George Costanza. You know? Remember that episode of Seinfeld where, days after an offending remark, (or maybe this happened all the time, I can’t remember) he’s sitting in the car with Jerry and he’s all, “You know what I should have said?”

Anyway, this happened to me twice over the past week, and it’s eating me up inside. Whenever I bite my tongue out of politeness, or fear of rocking the boat/having an unpleasant confrontation, or just out of speechlessness, I become hyper-aware of the fact that I might be perpetuating the age-old stereotype of women shutting up when they should be speaking up. Sometimes this feeling bothers me more than others, like for instance, right now.

So to get it off my chest, I’d like to share with you the two offending remarks, and take it from there:

1. In response to interviewing a porn star, a (male) colleague of mine sent the following in an email: “I’d just have to refrain from asking her what her stepfather did to her when she was little.”

What the fuck??!?! Are you fucking serious?? Listen - I’m not all that pc (please see abortion jokes), but this was tasteless, offensive, ignorant, stupid, sexist and chauvinistic. And gross. And not fucking funny.

That’s what I should have said.

2. I just got back from Tennessee, as all three of you reading this probably know. On my last night there (read: my “on-ness” had been completely tapped), a treasure of a man insinuated to me that Northerners are, and I quote, “pricks.” Yeah - they still say shit like that.*

Anyway, instead of saying even something as simple as, “YOU’RE a prick,” I just sat there. Just sat there. And, I think, smiled slightly. Such a nice Jewish girl, right? GAG.

So, delayed as these responses may be, I’d still like to put them out there to the universe, you know, for fainress’ sake, and because I think it’s important to fight  tooth and nail the hesitancy to say what’s on one’s mind. #1: I’ve already said it, but fuck you. #2: Um, Fuck you too. You are a fucking arrogant idiot.

And people from the North are NOT pricks. We’re just much smarter than you. What you were probably sensing was more like…disdain. For your stupid ass.

Or, as Cartman would say, Fuck you Kyle, and Fuck you Stan. Screw you guys, I’m going home.

*For the record, my bf, who happens to be the reason I was in Tennessee, was as appalled as I was by this statement and felt that it was this kind of person that gives the south a bad name.