Just a little poll… bathroom attendants… Yay or nay?

I’ll tell you, I’m a solid NAY. First of all, it’s straight up awkward. The eye contact is awkward, the handing me the paper towel is strange… and all the goodies… cigarettes, perfume, candy, gum, spray-on deodorant, tampons… whoah. It’s a lot of stuff.

I have to commend bathroom attendants, though, they have thought of everything,and a few things have come in handy (tampons… cigs for sure). But still, it doesn’t excuse the sheer ridiculousness of there being someone in the bathroom to help a mo’fucka’. I mean, if you can’t handle your shit on your own- washing your hands, powdering your nose, etc.- then you are a far higher brow Jew than I. (Wow, I can’t believe I just admitted that there are higher brow Jews than me… it feels so wrong…)

And the tipping. I just don’t have the etiquette down. Do you tip if you don’t take any gum or cigs? Because call me a Jew, but I don’t want to tip just because somebody handed me some paper towel. Sure, it’s a nice thing to do, but I don’t really feel like I got a service. Is that bogus? Does that make me an asshole? The truth is that usually I don’t tip the first time, but the second time I’m in there I make sure to have a dollar bill. Why is that? Oh, yeah, guilt. The emotion that the bathroom attendants count on to do their biz. Right?

And finally, the most awkward part of all… shitting. It’s straight up impossible if there’s a bathroom attendant. Who is going to come in, smile politely and say hi, and then drop a giant douce? Not me, my friend, not me. And I’m the least shy person about public crapping of anyone I know. The thing is, there’s a difference between public crapping when randoms are in the bathroom and you don’t have to make eye contact with them afterwards (just come out of the stall with a sly smirk on your face and act like nothing happened, like I do). It’s impossible to do it and then have to make eye contact and thank someone for handing you a paper towel. I’d be tempting to say,

“Thanks for the paper towel… and for not shaming me about that stank ass crap I just dropped that will likely linger for quite a while… sorry…”.

Yeah, no thanks. Even I’m not that bold.

(cross posted on The Bathroom Blog)