*SPOILER ALERT!!*

OMG, you guys. OMG. Another year until we find out what happened to Bill. I don’t think my poor little heart can handle it.

To recap last night:

We all knew (finally!) that Maryann is a Maenad. And we found out from the vampire queen — played terrifically poorly by Evan Rachel Wood — that Maenads’ one and only goal in life is to be killed by their very own god. Maryann needed to sacrifice someone for god to show up, and she wanted Sam Merlotte.

Fine and dandy. I’d tie Sam Merlotte up and do some nasty things to him too, but maybe of a slightly different variety. Anyhoo, last night Bill called shenanigans on Sam’s holing up and steering clear of the people who wanted to drive a stake into him and dig out his beating, bleeding heart, and made him man up and face his would-be attackers. Together with Sookie, he and Sam saved the day. Maenad: dead. Bon Temps: saved. Jane’s finger: found.

Once that was said and done, another surprise: Bill took Sookie to a fancy French restaurant (”humans seem to like them”) and proposed. Sookie, all aflutter from her recent Maenad smackdown, ran to the bathroom crying (twist!). While she was in there, Bill got attacked by someone wrapping a chain around his neck and apparently, dragging him out of the restaurant. Sookie returned from the bathroom to find — dah dah dah! — an empty chair.

Not like we don’t all know who did it — ahem, Eric — but here’s my question. Excatly why would a chain to the throat matter to a vampire? It wasn’t specfically a silver chain or anything (yeah, I’ve been p[aying attention), so in theory, since vampires are dead, choking them would just kind of knock them off balance. If it made them stop breathing, like it would to a human, you have to think, how do they breathe? Do their hearts beat? Surely not. Then what do their hearts do? And then, why would Eric have used a chain to get Bill? None of it made any sense. It was like the writers for the Sopranos took chains to the throats of the writers for True Blood and wrote the end of the show.

And speaking of writing…I’m just going to be the one to say it. The writing on that show has gotten progressively worse, starting last week and culminating this week. I mean, last night’s dialogue was a carry-over of the same hokey drivel, which was so bad that I wanted to mute the TV a few times, and led Bill to say things like, “As long as you never come close to Sookie ever again.” Like a 7-year-old.

My final thoughts: I loooooove the new Jessica plotline. Seducing men in order to kill them? Get in there. And also — I will not forget about the random power that Sookie had over Maryann, and as God as my witness, if we don’t find out what that was all about next season, I will write a strongly worded letter to the producers. Mark my words.