I know what you’re thinking: It’s way too early to be thinking about holiday parties. But before you know it, you’ll be avoiding bell ringers outside of Target. Growing up, I always thought the office holiday party would be so cool… like Die Hard but with fewer terrorists. So to prep you, I’m sharing a few of my holiday party memories.

At my first job out of college, when I worked at a tiny company and with no holiday party, I felt like I was missing out on a classic American event. So my coworker and I decided to post a Craigslist ad – two pretty single girls looking to attend a big corporate holiday party. We did actually get a response and met two guys for drinks the night before their party. I’m sure you can guess that a double blind date is a terrible idea… and you’d be right. They were boring financial analysts who were nondescript in every way, had nothing to talk about – and they rejected us, even though we were damn cute. We barely made it through a single drink, and of course we never went to their holiday party. Oh, Craigslist!

Later, when working at another small company, we had a potluck at the boss’s house and were all asked to bring a gift for exchange ($5 or less). I went to CostPlus and got gummy candies that looked like pizza and French fries. Wacky fun, right? My husband took a pen he found at Office Depot that had a mini version of the board game Operation built in. Who wouldn’t want that? But no less than three of the guests at that party brought some version of a votive candle and a clear glass candle holder. Why are people such lame-o’s?

At another more corporate job, we had a holiday party at our office and some very drunk people paired off and disappeared together. The next day, one of my coworkers found a used condom on her office floor. At least the horny coworkers were practicing safe sex. Please remember: “Get a room” does not mean in your building. It means in a hotel.