If these disgusting, roach-like horrifying motherfuckers don’t stop showing up everywhere I go, I swear I’m leaving California. One of these was IN MY HOUSE TONIGHT. Go ahead, check it out and then I’ll tell you what went down. 

First of all, what’s wrong with those hippies??? Why are they handling that shit like it’s cute??? It’s not. 

Anyways, tonight wasn’t the first time a potato bug infiltrated my home. First encounter was last year, when just chilling innocently on my couch, one of these fuckers came crawling out from under the coffee table. It was so big it literally had a giant shadow and I thought it was a taranchula. After my husband killed it (giving my dog such bad PTSD that she wouldn’t go into the living room for two weeks and still freaks out at the sound of a book hitting the ground) I Googled “giant insect southern CA”. Yeah, it came right up: the Potato Bug. 

According to Wikipedia, it’s also called a “Jerusalem cricket” (which I take personal offense to). 

Jerusalem crickets are a group of large (body length up to 69 millimetres (2.7 in)), flightless insects native to the western United States, along the Pacific Coast, and south into Mexico. Because of their large, human-like head, they are commonly called niño de la tierra (Spanish for “child of the earth”), Earth baby, cara de niño (Spanish for “child’s face”), wó see ts’inii (Navajo for “skull insect”), or old bald-headed man. They are also often called potato bugs.

Despite their name, Jerusalem crickets are neither true crickets nor true bugs and they do not prefer potatoes for food. Active only at night, the insects use their strong mandibles to feed primarily on dead organic material but can also eat other insects. Their highly adapted feet are used for burrowing beneath moist soil to feed on decaying root plants and tubers

Um, EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. They are so disgusting. 

Good news is, they don’t live in homes. Amen. Apparently they just come out from underground when they’re dying or mating. Ugh. Gross. 

A week ago I saw one on my street after not seeing one since the first incident in my old house in a totally different neighborhood. I had a reaction like in the cartoons when someone jumps up on a chair screaming in the presence of a mouse. I did scream. 

Then two nights ago I saw one right outside of my house as I was coming back from walking my dogs. Naturally, I threw the bag of dog poop I had at it, and ran. Also screamed that time.

Then tonight I came home and was thinking as I pulled into my garage, man, I wonder what happened to that potato bug… I hope it’s not in the garage. Well, no. Not in the garage. But right inside the door IN THE HOUSE. 

I had a total panic. No husband at home, just me. Dogs locked up downstairs. Face off. I called my husband and he talked me through it. I (while screaming) sprayed it with Clorox bleach spray (my idea, not his), and put a tupperware over it (his idea, not mine). Then I put a book on top of the tupperware, just in case (my idea, not his). Then I slid it out of the house into the garage, and left it there for my husband to deal with. 

When he got home, he nonchalantly scooped it onto a dustpan with the tupperware and tossed it (far) off the balcony (while I was standing on the couch screaming in the background. Not really, but I felt like it). 

Dude, I swear, nothing freaks me out more than these bugs. That giant red head… it’ll haunt me forever.